Well, I've been writing more recently. In truth, there's not really much to show, considering that I've now got an entire six or so pages complete of the rough draft but for me that's an accomplishment and I'm rather proud of it. Actually putting the beginning of the story on paper rather in real story form rather than a mesh of notes & thoughts I gather and connect in my head.
My next move will be to continue writing. I've been doubting myself and my ability to tell this story for a while now and while I'm not completely over my hesitations and fears, I have to at least attempt this project. I've been working on this one story for nearly six years now. Sure, the plotlines have changed over the years and it now only vaugely resembles what it started out to be but I think it's better now, which is the key point in my opinion.
I need to concentrate on what I know and not what I imagine.
I know that when I did a writing workshop at Norwescon a few years ago and submitted my ideas and the first chapter of my book, they loved it. There were, of course, some changes that needed to be made but nothing massive. Which by massive I mean 'this story has already been told' or 'you have the writing ability of a mongoose'. I highly doubt that a group of four published authors and agents would read my work, one out of fifty or more that they dealt with that weekend, and all collectively decided to blow smoke up my arse. Which is what I had convinced myself of.
I know that when I share my stories, they are generally accepted and the people who read them always want to hear more.
I know that my writing ability does not suck completely, I am apparently reknowned in the world of online RPGs (the writing sites, not FPS sites) and have been accepted before for writing projects I've done.
I know that I can accomplish my goal of completing my book. After that it's kind of out of my hands but all I can do is try. The worst that can happen is I can be rejected over and over again and since it's not public recorrd, if I really wanted to I could pretend it never happened.
I know that I can do my research and be educated on the world of publishing, agents and whatnot but that does not make me a pro.
I know I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go.
I know that if I make it, it will a lifelong dream coming true. And if I don't at least try, I will be hurting no one but myself. And I know I deserve it.
So now, I'll imagine myself as a published author. And do my damnedest to help that come try.