Jul 27, 2010

The Future Unfolds

I've hit a moment in my life where I don't honestly know what's going to come next in several areas. And it's driving me crazy.

Homelife is weird, not technically living where we're staying but not technically staying where we live. It's all up in the air and I'm stressed out to the point of nervousness over it. I don't know how to explain it, can really do nothing to fix it and just have to simply wait and see what happens.

I cannot find within me the confidence to believe in myself. Not about anything. But it's not something I can show to people so I put on that mask and play the part. About almost everything. Except my writing. Since no one reads it, it's easier just to /not/ write than to battle myself over it. I try. I find some time to spend putting thought to paper and even during a quiet few hours while camping last weekend found myself actually writing out plot. But it felt so disconnected on the page and I soon felt like I was doing everything wrong. It was easier to find something else to do than to continue struggling with my own feelings of inadequacy.

Work is something else entirely. I'm being screwed over. I know that. But what else can I do at this point in time? I'm looking for a new job but with my condition it's going to be impossible to find something that replaces what I'm doing now, fits into my lifestyle, meets the demands of my illness and gives me the ability to support my family.

If I take a moment and be completely honest with myself, I know what I want to do. I want to get myself in gear and go to school. What a cliche, right? I don't even know if it's something I CAN accomplish. How much of a failure would I be in that scenerio. I haven't done any sort of schooling in 12 years. Is it selfish to force my family to live even more meagerly than we do now (which is possible, as hard as it seems) so that I can get a degree that I may never use?

I don't know what I'm doing. I feel lost and confused.

Hopefully, I'll figure this out. But advice would be welcomed. I just don't know who to ask.

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